A Birthday Note

A Birthday Note

Thank you to everyone who took the time to remember my birthday this year. I appreciate every message, phone call, gift and card I received. I cherish them all. I’m grateful to have so many people in my life that have been there for me this year.

This year was one of the most intense years for me.

✅ A year of loss
✅ A year of grief
✅ A year of reflection
✅ A year of growth

A year of doing the deep dark shadow work that has been overlooked for too long. Behind my upbeat and cheerful posts, behind my smile has also been a lot of sobbing, tears shed and questioned asked.

⁉️ Who have I been?
⁉️ Who am I now?
⁉️ Who will I be in the future?

How can I continue to improve myself and the way I relate to the world and the people around me?

A year ago on my birthday, I lost one of my clients to suicide. His name was Ryan Eason and he had been in my program for over a year, we spoke weekly and shared our dreams together. He came to me at the start of the pandemic. The Circus he ran in Thailand dissolved abruptly and shattered his heart, so he came to me to help him pick up the peices and put the puzzle back together differently.

He was a Magician, and aspired to perform at The Magic Castle like his pops Doc Eason. He loved his family and his community with his whole heart and was devastated by the sudden loss of his circus project. Then he randomly decided to take a break from the program and go somewhere secluded for a few months, to rest I had a bad feeling about it and asked him not to go, I should have begged. In my heart I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t express it.

A few weeks later, I got a call from another client and his performing team mate, Olive Dip , and she gave me news no one should have to, that our dear friend had taken his own life. I was devastated.

⁉️ Could I have done more?
⁉️ Was it something I said?
⁉️ How did I not see his pain enough?

As his mentor, I beared some responsibility for him and feel as though I failed him in some way,, but I know I did all I could with the information I had at the time. This pandemic was tough on so many people. Please reach out to those you care about and check up on them often, for they could be gone in the blink of an eye.

This situation has completely shaken me to my core and I’ve not fully gotten over the loss of Ryan. I miss him.. Every time I see a rainbow I think of him. Ironically this happened during suicide prevention week, which is the first week in September. If you or someone you know is struggling, reach out, people care and love you.

Suicide Prevention Week:

States to inform and engage health professionals and the general public about suicide prevention and warning signs of suicide.By drawing attention to the problem of suicide in the United States, the campaign also strives to reduce the stigma surrounding the topic, as well as encourage the pursuit of mental health assistance and support people who have attempted suicide.

As part of the campaign, health organizations conduct depression screenings—including self-administrated and online tests—and refer interested individuals to a national toll-free telephone number.  Since 1975, NSPW awareness events are held throughout the week corresponding to World Suicide Prevention Day, which is recognized annually on the 10th of September. The dates for the 41st annual NSPW in 2015 were September 6–12.

History of Suicide Prevention Week:

The American Association of Suicidology sponsors National Suicide Prevention Week (NSPW) activities. Since 1975, NSPW awareness events are held throughout the week corresponding to World Suicide Prevention Day, which is recognized annually on September 10.

Although suicide awareness activities started in the 1950s, the history of suicide itself goes back to the 1700s. The act of suicide is also prominently mentioned in ancient legend and history. Ajax the great killed himself in the Trojan War and Lucretia’s suicide around 510 B.C. initiated the revolt that displaced the Roman Kingdom.

Attitudes towards suicide have varied over the years through the Renaissance and Enlightenment periods with some supporting the act in cases when people were afflicted with a disease and some denying that suicide was a crime. It was not until the 1950s that suicide prevention activities in the U.S. started.

Warning Signs of Suicide:

Talking about:

  • Talking about death, wanting to die, or suicide
  • Great guilt or shame
  • Being a burden to others
  • Feeling empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
  • Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
  • Unbearable emotional or physical pain

Changing behavior, such as:

  • Making a plan or researching ways to die
  • Withdrawing from friends,
  • Saying goodbye unexpectedly
  • Giving away important items,
  • Making a will
  • Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
  • Displaying extreme mood swings
  • Eating or sleeping more or less
  • Using drugs or alcohol more often
  • Seeking methods for self harm
  • searching online or obtaining a gun

If any of these signs are present, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I love you.
I’m here for you


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